10 Things That Will Annoy Everyone Around You at a Baseball Game

Meet my friend Kristi; lover of people, eggs and animals (and obviously, said animals return her boundless affection.)

Yesterday, along with our friends Russ and Linda, Kristi and I attended a baseball game. We took our seats, and prepared for the Phillies to embarrass the crap out of the Brewers. (Sorry! I LOVE the Brewers, but let's face it; we knew we were going to get our asses served to us.) Linda has been hauling-ass at work lately, so as a reward, she was given these stellar tickets thirteen rows up from the first baseline. I checked in on foursquare (oooh, Player Please! badge) and focused in on the game. But once the first pitch was thrown, my dear Kristi began to commit one stadium faux pas after another. I tried to be subtle in my hints and halt her bad ballgame behavior before the 6th inning Sausage Races, but it was to no avail.

Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my friend; her understanding for humanity knows no bounds, but there are some things that will really annoy the bajeezus out of everyone around you at a baseball game, and they are as follows:

1. Talk About Your Bush
Unless it's Dave Bush, no one cares to hear about it

2. Obscure The View While You Talk To Your Friends
No one is denying the fact that you are a lovely girl, but I paid good money to stare at Prince Fielder's fat ass, so please sit yours DOWN!

3. Ask Your Friend "Is That The One You Banged?!" Every Time a New Player in the Batting Order is Displayed
We have been through the Phillies' batting lineup four times, and your friend has yet to admit which of these fine men she has had adult relations with, so I doubt she will suddenly let on to it now.

4. Answer Cellphone Calls
If you absolutely need to answer a call, go in the commons area. I go to baseball games to get away from hearing my mother's voice, and now I have to hear yours screeching through the receiver on your pink LG GlitterLightGlamBox

5. Discuss Your Bowel Movements
Girls don't poop. They especially don't poop at baseball games. Stop ruining everything I hold sacred int he world!

6. Yell Personal Comments at the Players
"Hey Braun, What Color Lipgloss Are You Wearing?" is only appropriate if he is doing a terrible job at bat, and if it is being barked out by a burly man in a "Cuck the Fubs" t-shirt, not a young lady who is screaming it as a legitimate question.

7. Ask the People Around You if They Want to See Pictures of Your Cats
...no.

8. Wave at Your Friend Across the Stadium
"But She Can See Me!" Maybe she can see you, but so can the people behind you, to the side of you, and alllllll around you who are trying to watch a baseball game.

9. Complain About How Bad You Have to Pee
Stop talking about it and just GO already! While you're at it, get that damn ice cream and pretzel you keep carrying on about, too!

10. Hit On People
If I came here looking for a date, I would have showered.


Now, Play Ball.