Tips to Landing a Date During a Car Accident

I was going to write a lengthy post about almost getting killed again by another reckless driver, but then I remembered that whining and crying is for babies, and I stopped wearing pull-ups WEEKS ago. Instead of being angry and upset that I am left car-less and incapacitated, I would like to thank this brainless lady driver for giving me an amazing opportunity to do what I do best: make light of a bad situation.

All of this vehicular tom-foolery has caused me to spend a lot of time in one of life's most happening environments; the emergency room. Often times people see these places as very unfriendly, and quite frankly, scary. Me? I see it as a mecca filled with gorgeous men! Paralegals, Firemen, Doctors, Nurses... hot dudes EVERYWHERE!

So shake that broken glass out of your hair and find that missing tooth, because I am about to share with you my tips for walking away from a car wreck with a few phone numbers (and I ain't talkin' for insurance companies!)

1. Turn on the water works
Nothing looks more appealing to a man in uniform than when your running mascara and snot inter-mingle with the blood and airbag dust on your face

2. Blurt out the cheesy pick-up lines
"Why do you need my ID? Because you want to come over and nurse me back to health?" "Remember that name so you can facebook me later." Or the old stand-by "I love a man in uniform." If it doesn't work, you can always claim you had a mild concussion

3. Airbag dust is your friend
Its like an instant makeup touch-up! Now Officer Dreamboat won't even notice that giant zit on your chin

4. Show 'em the goods
I was wearing a short dress and high-heels when I was in my last car wreck, and I had to be "delicately" shimmied sideways out of the car and onto a board... by about five different men. I made a mild attempt to keep my dress from flying up, but it was pretty much impossible. So hey, why not take the opportunity to show these studs my awesome fire truck print, boy-brief cut underwear?! Believe me, blatantly laughing at you is the new sexy

5. Rock that collar
I make sure to carry stickers in my purse just for this situation! Hey, they probably suit at least 10 people with these a day; I might as well add some flair to mine!

6. Make Small Talk
Never underestimate the power of the statement, "So, we all know how my day is going; what about yours?"

7. Create a Wardrobe Malfunction
Hey, it's not your fault hospital gowns are sooooo confusing to lace-up

8. Show off pictures of your cat
Maybe they'll be really into it. If not, you can use the concussion excuse again

9. Take Advantage of the Whiteboard
Write down a witty joke or an inspirational quote. If you can't think of anything, check our purse; odds are that you probably have a Laffy Taffy wrapper or a crappy fortune cookie proverb in there somewhere you can use. Just don't be lame and write down you're phone number, because it's obviously displayed on that trendy plastic bracelet draped across your wrist.

10. Keep insisting you need mouth-to-mouth
This one is pretty self explanatory.

Well, there you have it. If by a slim chance any of these tips actually lead to a post car-crash romance, let me know!

If not, you can always blame it on the Vicodin