The New "I Love You"

I absolutely love my Dad, and this is why. I mean, not only has he been toting my ass to work, doctor's offices and hospitals, but he has been doing it all whilst playing the Shaft theme song. Don't you wish you had a father as cool as mine? Yah daaaaaaammmnnn right yah wish yah did...

This blog entry has absolutely nothing to do with Shaft. My apologies.

My adventures into vegan-ism have forced me to come to terms with a lot of things, one of them being what I will accept as a proper replacement for meat in my life. Mashed-Up, Flavored Black Beans suddenly become the new "Burger;" Seitan Cubes morph into "Beef Tips." Although nothing will truly ever replicate the divine texture of a Jimmy Johns Beach Club, I have found tasty alternatives that I can settle for, and have even come to enjoy.

Lack of sleep and an empty stomach got me relating this to an issue I see my girl friends chatting me up about recently; accepting menial acts from men as real signs that they care. Call me old fashioned, but since when does a man banging you while you have your period show that he is really interested in you?! I see that as he just really wants to get laid, but someone seemed to be under the impression that it meant, "he only wanted to be with me, so it didn't matter that it was, 'that time of the month.' " Often times I am told that I am too cynical when it comes to relationships, but I think that girls are just too blind to the obvious. Perhaps it comes from the fact that most of my friends are guys, so I hear the other side of things all too often. I also see too many beautiful, smart girls chasing after men who blatantly don't want them because they accept the following examples as the new, "I Love You:"

(Yes, these are actually things I have heard my friends say guys have told them, or my guy friends have told girls.)

"I want to keep our relationship a secret because what we have is special and I don't want anyone to ruin it."
- Translation: "I don't want my real girlfriend to find out I'm sleeping with you."

"We shouldn't kiss because I don't want you to get emotionally attached."
- He can hit it from the back, but won't kiss you on the lips? He isn't concerned for YOUR emotions; he just doesn't want you turning psycho when you find out you're not the only girl he's not kissing.

"You would make a cute pregnant woman"
- It's just an excuse to not, "wrap it up." Usually this is followed up with the loving expression, "Hold still; I'll get a towel."

"You look like Megan Fox"
- Just because he has always fantasized about hooking up with a celebrity doesn't mean he wants a Happily Ever After with you.

Not that I am innocent of ever falling victim to holding onto the slight hope that a boy I like may perhaps like me back (circle one- yes or no), but I can look at a Boca Burger and know its not a Cheeseburger, so when will we realize that "I Want You" is not "I Love You?"

Tips to Landing a Date During a Car Accident

I was going to write a lengthy post about almost getting killed again by another reckless driver, but then I remembered that whining and crying is for babies, and I stopped wearing pull-ups WEEKS ago. Instead of being angry and upset that I am left car-less and incapacitated, I would like to thank this brainless lady driver for giving me an amazing opportunity to do what I do best: make light of a bad situation.

All of this vehicular tom-foolery has caused me to spend a lot of time in one of life's most happening environments; the emergency room. Often times people see these places as very unfriendly, and quite frankly, scary. Me? I see it as a mecca filled with gorgeous men! Paralegals, Firemen, Doctors, Nurses... hot dudes EVERYWHERE!

So shake that broken glass out of your hair and find that missing tooth, because I am about to share with you my tips for walking away from a car wreck with a few phone numbers (and I ain't talkin' for insurance companies!)

1. Turn on the water works
Nothing looks more appealing to a man in uniform than when your running mascara and snot inter-mingle with the blood and airbag dust on your face

2. Blurt out the cheesy pick-up lines
"Why do you need my ID? Because you want to come over and nurse me back to health?" "Remember that name so you can facebook me later." Or the old stand-by "I love a man in uniform." If it doesn't work, you can always claim you had a mild concussion

3. Airbag dust is your friend
Its like an instant makeup touch-up! Now Officer Dreamboat won't even notice that giant zit on your chin

4. Show 'em the goods
I was wearing a short dress and high-heels when I was in my last car wreck, and I had to be "delicately" shimmied sideways out of the car and onto a board... by about five different men. I made a mild attempt to keep my dress from flying up, but it was pretty much impossible. So hey, why not take the opportunity to show these studs my awesome fire truck print, boy-brief cut underwear?! Believe me, blatantly laughing at you is the new sexy

5. Rock that collar
I make sure to carry stickers in my purse just for this situation! Hey, they probably suit at least 10 people with these a day; I might as well add some flair to mine!

6. Make Small Talk
Never underestimate the power of the statement, "So, we all know how my day is going; what about yours?"

7. Create a Wardrobe Malfunction
Hey, it's not your fault hospital gowns are sooooo confusing to lace-up

8. Show off pictures of your cat
Maybe they'll be really into it. If not, you can use the concussion excuse again

9. Take Advantage of the Whiteboard
Write down a witty joke or an inspirational quote. If you can't think of anything, check our purse; odds are that you probably have a Laffy Taffy wrapper or a crappy fortune cookie proverb in there somewhere you can use. Just don't be lame and write down you're phone number, because it's obviously displayed on that trendy plastic bracelet draped across your wrist.

10. Keep insisting you need mouth-to-mouth
This one is pretty self explanatory.

Well, there you have it. If by a slim chance any of these tips actually lead to a post car-crash romance, let me know!

If not, you can always blame it on the Vicodin

Rule #4- Remember: We are the Same Blood

Ah, Las Vegas; a city full of mystery, opulence and booze-filled decisions.

This past weekend, three of my girlfriends and I decided to turn the Vegas Strip into our stiletto-clad stomping grounds. For me, it would be my first experience in Sin City sans alcohol, which I knew wasn't going to be easy. Unfortunately, it turned out to be more uncomfortable then showing up to a baby shower with a box full of wire hangers.

In Milwaukee, I usually have at least one companion with me who has also joined my "SOB MKE" bandwagon. (Sober Milwaukee; Get Into It.) A thousand miles away at Jet nightclub, the only sober companion I seem to have found amongst the sea of bare skin and Jersey Shore hopefuls is my trusty iPhone. So, there I sat with him, chatting away about current events via Twitter, Facebook, Text, etc. while still intermittently talking and dancing with my friends. It is obvious to me that it irritates them to see me on an intimate date with my Smartphone, but they really have no idea of how difficult it is for me to be in a nightclub and not be on an alcohol buzz. Its kind of like being the new kid at school who barely knows English; you try your best, but you are unsure of how to communicate in unfamiliar territory, and everyone around you assumes you're either arrogant or mildly retarded. In addition to this slight social awkwardness, a side-effect of Topomax I have been fighting with is it's negative effects on my personality. When once I was extremely outgoing, I am now more subdued, and getting progressively more withdrawn and even bitchy. I hate it, and I keep telling myself its all in my head and to fight it, but this mental battle is getting so very exhausting.

Anyways, while I was in the midst of a very important tweet-sesh at Jet, a very inoxicated young man leaned in close to me and said, "Hey, when are you going to stop being such a fucking bitch and talk to my friends?" Slightly taken aback, but still composed, I told him I was talking to his friends, and if he would have taken a second to stop dry-humping my friend, he would have noticed. He proceeded analyze my appearance, and give me his opinion on what kind of person I am, which ultimately ended with him calling me a, "gold digging cunt who had better at least dance, if not fuck one of his friends." Now, I am a rational girl, and it takes a lot to get to me. Want to call me names? Go for it! Feel like questioning my work ethic? Better check yourself, buddy. I work hard for what I have, and I let him know he more than crossed the line by delivering what was the ultimate slap/karate-chop right to his kisser. His eyes instantly welled up, and his lip started quivering as he tried to form some kind of statement. I wasn't even going to wait to hear what genius he had to say next, and stormed off to find my friends.

About twenty minutes later, I was still at Jet nightclub, at the same table with the same group of ahhh-mazing gentlemen (sarcasm) and I started to actually feel bad for cracking Captain Dirtbag in the face. I mean, he obviously said some ridiculous stuff, but he is still a human being like me; he has blood in his veins and well, feelings. As I sat back and surveyed the club, I just thought of everyone as an individual. We are so quick to dismiss everyone as a douche-bag, drunk, trash, slut, etc. Maybe this jerk-off really just wanted to say hi to me, and somehow just stumbled over his words until they turned into a giant insult snowball that he couldn't keep from rolling off of his tongue. So, I went over and I apologized to him. Guess what? I was right. I mean, this guy was far from Prince Charming, but I did end up talking to him for a little while, and he gave me one of the better drunk compliments I have received:

"You know, I would rather sit and talk to you, then hook up with that girl who was grinding on me all night."

I laughed, and said, "This is Las Vegas; chances are you're not going to find your soul mate, so you're better off charming the panties off of Miss Leg Humper. Just remember that she has the same blood in her veins."

He high-fived me, grabbed the Patron and his broad, and probably got laid.